Love

What exactly comes to mind when you hear that word? Love. What is it? The dictionary describes love as “an intense feeling of deep affection”. Not sure exactly how I feel about this definition but ya know, it is what it is. Love is many things, but one thing it is definitely not is a definition. Love CAN NOT be described in a few, simple words. It’s absolutely impossible. It can be so many absolutely different things, so I think I’m gonna sit down and really think about things, really put it down so I can look at it again and again so I can really grasp it.

Let me start with friendship, that is love isn’t it? I mean you love your friends, they’re your security blanket, people you can trust. I know I love my friends, where and who would I be without them? I honestly have no idea if I would even still be around. I guess that could be described as affection, but I don’t know that I would say it’s an intense feeling of deep affection. I care about my friends, I really do, and they know I would do just about anything for them. That’s love for friends isn’t it? Therefore that’s love.

My dogs, I absolutely love them, like to the end of the galaxy and back, and then even further. These dogs are my babies, they’re my everything. We rely on each other for everything, they push me to be a better person day in and day out. They are my reason for pushing on, for tackling all the challenges that are thrown my way, my reason for not giving up. Anyone who knows me in the least bit knows how absolutely much I love my dogs, that I would be nothing without them. It’s tough to ever think of change in my world with them, I like things to stay steady, to stay the same, but that’s not possible, and when things change I know that because I love them and they love me that it’ll all be just fine.

Unconditional love. Isn’t that what we look for in relationships, right? I know what it’s like to be in love with someone. It’s scary, and crazy and terrifying, yet so absolutely wonderful at the same exact time. But is it truly unconditional? I mean it’s selfish, but that’s just it, it’s worth it. All of it is absolutely worth it, the fear of heartbreak, the fear of losing something you care so incredibly much about, it’s all worth it. It’s passion, it’s happiness, it’s just so much more than I can put into words. I’m not telling any of you that you shouldn’t go out there and look for love, or you should question it if you’ve found it, but when you need to make sure you’re not being blind about it, because when you are it sucks.

To be in love with someone is one of the most amazing thing ever, and everyone deserves it. Even the people who seem absolutely cold, or those people we just absolutely can not stand, they deserve love. But most of us are going to go through a lot of heartbreak along the road to finding it and each and every one of us is going to at one point say it isn’t worth it. I’ve said it countless times, but I know that when it all boils down to it at the end of the day I would like it just as much as anyone else would. I feel like I’m sitting here rambling on about something that just constantly gives me a headache, I hate dating and I hate having to worry about being alone, it sucks.

But that’s where the problem lies, all this love? None of it will ever exist if you don’t love yourself. How can any of us learn to love if we can’t even learn to love ourselves? All this fear, this anxiety, this hate, it’s because we haven’t come to terms with ourselves yet. I wish this wasn’t it, but it is exactly this. I know most of you are sitting there thinking “not this crap again” but yeah, it’s this again because it’s true. How many times do you look in the mirror and block your own thoughts because all you do is bully yourself. Well guess what we’ve all been there, me included. It sucks but we do it, but as soon as we learn to stop bullying ourselves we’ll learn to love. We can’t blame ourselves, we’re not just dreamers sweethearts, we’re lovers.

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Normality

nor·mal (adjective) ;  conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

What is normalI mean truly, what is normal? I guess normal is just that, normal. How can I possibly describe that right? I guess my point with this is there is no such thing as normal. Things are constantly changing, so nothing can ever be normal, because nothing is the same, nothing is usual, no matter how much we think it is, it isn’t. I mean yeah,  I mean sometimes I feel like things are normal, but if I even think about it for a moment I know they’re not. I used to be pretty sure I had a decently normal life, at least it was normal for me, nothing seemed overly challenging, I could relax a bit I guess. Normal is easy, at least it’s easier than accepting that something is different.

When we’re in school, especially high school, there’s a chain, either you’re popular or you’re not right? You’re either one of the cool kids, and life is easy, you don’t have to worry about people picking on you or not being noticed, and that’s ok, because to you that’s normal. But you might also be one of those kids that’s picked on all the time or doesn’t get noticed and trying to avoid being noticed is your normal. Sadly this normal becomes comforting, we get so used to something that we trick ourselves into believing that it’s comfortable, like breaking in a new pair of shoes, the first few days when those new heels or boots are rubbing your feet raw it’s like a living hell, but then it doesn’t bother you anymore, it’s normal, it’s no big deal.

To me normal was coming home to a bouncy, spinning dachshund so full of energy she absolutely could not contain herself for even one more moment because if she had to she might die right then and there. My normal was being able to go running and hiking with my best friend at my heels. My normal was running with my partner through an agility course, relying completely on each other for everything. My normal was ignorance. I was so engulfed in this bliss, this easy life, this normality that I forgot to truly enjoy it. That’s what happens, although you’re happy you don’t stop to truly be happy. Things just are. There is nothing significant because it’s all normal.

That’s why normal is comforting, because you don’t think about it. To you it seems normal so it’s never a big deal, you’re comfortable with that too, that fact that things just are. What you don’t realize is things are slipping right out from under you, that normal that you’re so comforted by isn’t sticking around so get used to it. I’ve come to realize that normal is constant change, that’s the only thing that can be expected, change. Change isn’t easy to accept, I know that as much as anyone else, change, to be quite frank, sucks. It’s scary, especially when we aren’t absolutely sure of the outcome. It can make you a completely different person, scratch that, it will make you a different person, because you too are changing.

I read a blog recently that read as follows ;

“Your life will change, she says.

I didn’t ask it to, I say.

No one ever doesYour life will change. Indeed, it is changing already.”

This is what sparked this post, change and normality. No matter if you want it or not, it is. No one ever asks for change, nobody wants their life to truly change, even in the worst of times, change is terrifying. But that’s ok, sometimes the scary things are the ones that truly make you become the amazing person you need and want to be so badly. Chloe needing a wheelchair still terrifies me, because it’s change, it’s not normal, and I don’t like change. Even if I did like change I wouldn’t like this change, but it doesn’t matter, it already is. I just need to accept that and go with it, I need to adapt to this new normal, and when it changes again I need to once more adapt.

It’s truly continuous, this adaptation that is. Normal is change, and change is normal. So why do we fear what we love so much, what is so absolutely comforting? I don’t know. But what I do know is that it’s ok, change is ok, even if it hurts or it’s scary, it ok, because that’s just how things are.