This post will be a bit different from the others I’ve done, but not completely. I just feel this is something I’d like to talk, or rather write, about. This year my biggest resolution was to be happier, not only in general, but with myself. I have this really bad habit of letting everything get me down, it’s just how I am. I’ve been like this for a few years now, I wish I knew why, but I’m not good at being optimistic. It’s not that I can’t be, it just takes a lot of thinking and effort and usually I’m really down and just don’t want to put in that effort.
That’s my problem, I never knew how to really stay strong, granted I’m not the kind of person to break down into tears in front of people, most of my friends have never seen me cry. I have this skill where I can keep calm on the exterior through almost anything, because it’s what I have to do. What people don’t see is the anxiety, the fear, the panic that is constantly going on in my mind. It keeps me from ever truly being happy, no matter how much I smile it feels forced, it seems weak. I feel trapped.
How is that fair? To be trapped in one’s own mind? It’s not fair, but neither is anything else right? It drives me absolutely mad, like I’m just ready to lash out at something. I want to escape, I want to run and never stop. I want to get away from people, I want to go to the woods and just never have to see anyone again because I’m tired of the anxiety people bring to me. I make myself panic enough, people only make it worse. I avoid people, in fact I may go as far to say I loathe them. Those people I call my friends, no matter how much I feel like I like them, my mind doesn’t, my mind tells me they’ll betray me, they’ll turn their back on me. They wouldn’t be the first.
This constant panic, this feeling of being trapped, it makes me weak. I never stand up to it, I’m afraid of standing up to myself. Although other people make me panic inside I never am afraid to stand up to someone else, I block my mind out and do what I have to do, but when I have to face myself I cower. How do you face someone who makes you so weak? It’s not even real, it’s all in my head and I know it, but I still allow it to continue. I tell people I’m happy because that’s what they want to hear. I brush on a smile, bite my tongue and play along. It’s almost like a game sometimes, the whole time I just wait for the one person who will see right through my act, they haven’t shown up yet. Till then, I’ll continue my little game.
Sometimes I feel like I genuinely am happy, then it fades again. Happiness and me don’t seem to be friends. I avoid it and it seems to do the same. I like how this works, not because it’s how I’d have chosen for things to be, but because it’s what I’m used to. This makes me weak. I’m too much of a coward to face all of this, I know each and every little detail to be true, all of it is quite silly. Why do I continue to talk down to myself, allow myself to panic, to be unhappy. I guess it’s because it’s what works, when people say to me “You’re so strong.” I just smile and thank them because, really, it’s all I can do. I’m not strong though, I hide behind someone I’m not because it’s easier that way.
Fake it till you make it right? Maybe if I pretend to be strong long enough I’ll become strong. I don’t know how to feel honestly. I want to feel happiness, I want to be in control, I want to follow my dreams. I want to be happy with who I am that way I can be happy with other things, but to achieve that goal I’ll need to stop being a coward. I know I’m going to run though, and that scares me even more than just standing idly by watching myself fall to pieces. I need to continue to pretend to be strong though, it’s the only thing holding me together. Without this I am nothing.