Anybody who knows me knows that my dogs are so incredibly important to me, well let me say this much: I make mistakes with them. So to my dogs, I’m sorry. Seven months ago when Chloe had her accident and I realized I can’t run agility like we used to I blocked out that thought. I locked it up, ignored it, pushed on, kept going. Well, sweethearts, don’t make that mistake, now seven months later I find myself pushing Rockit to be a dog he isn’t, why? Because I never faced the fact that Chloe isn’t the same. Yes she can still do so much, but it’s not the same, so here I find myself getting angry and upset because Rockit isn’t trying as hard as Chloe did (and still does) and that isn’t his fault. I’m being selfish by asking him to be like Chloe, because he isn’t Chloe and never will be, he doesn’t enjoy agility, he’ll go over a jump, or slowly attempt to weave, but he doesn’t like doing it, he does it because he just wants to make me happy.
Rockit does so much for me, and it’s not fair that I keep asking him to do this for me. Somehow though I can’t seem to stop, why? Because I miss being able to grab a treat or a toy, go outside and run my bouncing little girl through a set of weaves or over a teeter, I miss that so much more than I could ever describe. Life isn’t fair, and to be quite frank, it really, really sucks. Rockit will never be an agility dog, not because he has no potential, but because he lacks the passion for training that Chloe has, does he work for me? Yes, he LOVES going on outings with me and he is such an amazing service dog, and I shouldn’t even ask for any more than that from him, but I just need that little bit, that one thing that he truly can’t give to me. He would be more than happy to lounge around, go hiking once and a while, and then lounge around some more, and sadly I need more than that. I wish it wasn’t like that, but it is, I have two dogs that don’t have any desire to do anything but sleep, I really don’t want a third dog that’s like that. So we’ll continue to look for something more than service work to grow our bond, but I really need that one thing in my life that brought so much joy to even think about, the thing that made me so happy no matter how out of breath I was.
I plan on a puppy, but it may be years before that happens because my parents don’t want another breed of dog in the house, and there’s no way I can afford to live on my own with 5 dogs. I’ve considered a roommate but most of my friends have at least two dogs and renting a house with 7 dogs is like pigs with wings. It just isn’t going to happen. So what do I do at this point? I’m genuinely lost, because I feel empty without this thing in my life, the one hobby I’ve ever had that I truly enjoyed, the one thing that gave me a meaning, that made me happy. I feel like I’ve been robbed and it’s such an incredibly selfish feeling, it disgusts me, but I can’t get rid of it, I just want to run agility. I guess I’ll figure something out. Till then I will just continue to try and manage, to my dogs, once more, I’m sorry.