Locked in a Haze

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.”
― John Lennon

Connection. It is absolutely one of the most important things in life, without it there can nothing. If we don’t connect and communicate there would be complete chaos in this world. We connect every single day, but we don’t even realize it. We don’t realize how important it is. Relationships, whether a friendship, teammates, or partners, connection is vital. Without connection relationships would always fail. So many times we simply want to control our relationships and our lives, but we forget that connection is absolute key.

So to all of you out there having trouble in your relationships ; connect a little more lovelies. You have nothing left to lose if you give it up. We constantly fool ourselves, lying until we’ve convinced ourselves that all of this crazy chaos is alright. It’s not. I live so far from the one person I would give anything to be near. So I do my best to connect, even with the distance, it’s hard, and sometimes it’s heartbreaking, but it will be worth it, I have to stay strong in believing that. For the longest time I tried to shut it off, my feelings that is, thinking as long as everyone else was happy it would be ok, that I could be happy if they were.

Bullshit.

It doesn’t work like that, if you don’t talk about what’s going on, if you don’t connect, it doesn’t work, ever. That’s how life is, you have to connect or you’ll never ever be happy. I’m not saying you have to go out and share every little thought with everyone because that probably wouldn’t go over well either, but you need to be honest. Don’t be that coke bottle, just shaking it until you absolutely just cannot take it anymore and the cap just blows off and you explode. It’s heart wrenching to hold it all back, and I know that because I’ve done it for so long, and I still do. I smile when I’m not happy, laugh when I’m sad, and brush it all off when all I want to do is cry.

Don’t do that to yourself, please. Connect with someone, even if it’s just one person, connect. It’s so incredibly important, and I promise you will feel better. Trust is something that feels so good. Love though, that’s one of the best and worst feelings in the world, all at the same time. You’re going to fall in love many times (or at least the majority of you will), your trust will be broken, people will lie to you, and you’ll feel broken. Let me give you this though ; nobody is perfect, everyone is a little broken. Don’t give up. You can do it if you’re willing to simply connect.

New Beginnings

“Realize that if a door closed, it’s because what was behind it wasn’t meant for you.” 
― Mandy Hale

Starting over is hard, really hard, and it sucks sometimes. My dear friend Kelsey will be moving from PA to TX next year for college. With all the excitement I just want to say how proud of her I am, for making so many great decisions. For the last five years I’ve watched this girl grow into an amazing young woman and I know she will make an absolutely amazing vet. She has so much passion for the things she does and I know that will extend to both her schooling and new puppy. I’m absolutely honored to call this girl my best friend. She is amazing, and will go so incredibly far in life and I hope I can continue to be right there supporting her.

Kelsey, this move is going to be hard sweetie, no matter how excited you are. It’s going to be physically and emotionally draining and sometimes you’re going to want to give up, you’re going to question your decisions, but I promise you it will be fine. Four years ago when I moved almost 2,000 miles I knew nobody here, and gave up the only life I’d ever known. There are still times I wish I hadn’t moved, but I’m glad I did at the same time. It has helped me grow as a person, and it will do the same for you. Plus you’ll have a bonus, you’ll have a friend. I love you tons girly!

I look forward to opening a boutique with you, running dogs with you and many many more adventures. All the crazy movie nights, bon fires, hikes, and just all the fun. It’s still going to be hard, and we’re probably going to struggle to get by for quite a while, but it will be worth it in the end. If you need something, anything, you can count on me and you know that. But you’re not painting even one wall in that house pink, sorry sweetie, not happening (;

Balance

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters”
~John Greene

Balance in our lives is something that is so utterly important, yet none of us can ever seem to grasp it. My life is chaos, not because of anyone else, but because of myself. I am not saying I am not a good person, simply that I still have much more to learn in this world, just like every other human being out there. Most of you know my life truly revolves around my dogs, as my oldest lays next to me, farting for god knows what reason, I forgive her and don’t make her move no matter how badly I gag and gasp for air. But I know there is absolutely no balance in my life. Why? Because I’m afraid of balance. I shut everything I need out, because it means facing a lot of my fears and I just don’t want to face them, it’s pathetic actually. One of my newer favorite songs is “Let her Go” by Passenger, why? Because it really speaks to me, I feel like sometimes you really have no idea what you have, or how good something is until you don’t have it anymore.

I’ve been thinking about my future a lot here lately, I am so ready to just dive into it, but I know balance is key. I need to get my life completely in order, worry about what is happening right now, not what happened yesterday, or what’s happening tomorrow, I need to worry about today and keep some balance. I need to find myself in all this craziness that the world has become, because this world will truly just pass you by if you don’t find yourself and balance things. You know when your life is a mess, you stress out, get sick, become an absolute emotional disaster. That’s me right now, things are much more extreme at this point for me, because I’ve bottled it all up for so long, let things just be crazy, convincing myself I can just pretend it doesn’t exist and it won’t. But guess what! It really doesn’t work like that.

So to myself; Dude get your shit together. 

Life has this funny way

“The best relationships in our lives are the best not because they have been the happiest ones, they are that way because they have stayed strong through the most tormentful of storms.” 
― Pandora Poikilos

Today my friend Andrea had to put her boy Dink to rest. I have personally never met either of them, but have many conversations with Andrea, and I can say that she is such an amazing person. She’s so full of love and compassion, she’s also trusting, and is willing to take chances. Through the internet I have made some amazing friends, Andrea is one of them, I feel grief for her. My heart breaks thinking that she is once more going through this experience after so recently losing her Bizby to an accident. So this post is for her, Andrea, there’s so many of that love you and each and every one of us will be there for you.

This has been a tough year for so many of us, but we’ve also made some amazing friendships and learned, experienced, and seen some absolutely amazing things. It’s strange how something this heart-wrenching can truly bring people together and make them so much stronger. Some people will never understand what it is like for those of us who consider our pets our children to lose one of our pets. Saying ‘goodbye’ is one of the hardest possible things that humans will ever experience, so we continue to find comfort in our friends and partners, and that’s something so amazing. These relationships with people and pets that we have can heal anything with time.

Andrea, my heart truly goes out to you in this time, I am so incredibly sorry. I wish that I could find some words that would make all of this just a tiny bit easier, but I haven’t been able to find those words yet. I know where you are, and know what you’re feeling, I also know that all the “I’m so sorry” ‘s help in a small way, but you still feel that gigantic hole in your heart. You know just like I do that it does eventually get a little easier. So go ahead and cry sweetie, but make sure you smile too, Dink was such a happy boy, and I know that he was and still is so incredibly grateful that he got to spend the time he did with you. You are so amazing Andrea, you open your heart to so many, and you love your dogs so incredibly much, and they love you right back with that same wholehearted passion. So tonight I light candles for you, your family, and all your fur babies in this hard time hun.

A little bit of truth.

Anybody who knows me knows that my dogs are so incredibly important to me, well let me say this much: I make mistakes with them. So to my dogs, I’m sorry. Seven months ago when Chloe had her accident and I realized I can’t run agility like we used to I blocked out that thought. I locked it up, ignored it, pushed on, kept going. Well, sweethearts, don’t make that mistake, now seven months later I find myself pushing Rockit to be a dog he isn’t, why? Because I never faced the fact that Chloe isn’t the same. Yes she can still do so much, but it’s not the same, so here I find myself getting angry and upset because Rockit isn’t trying as hard as Chloe did (and still does) and that isn’t his fault. I’m being selfish by asking him to be like Chloe, because he isn’t Chloe and never will be, he doesn’t enjoy agility, he’ll go over a jump, or slowly attempt to weave, but he doesn’t like doing it, he does it because he just wants to make me happy.

Rockit does so much for me, and it’s not fair that I keep asking him to do this for me. Somehow though I can’t seem to stop, why? Because I miss being able to grab a treat or a toy, go outside and run my bouncing little girl through a set of weaves or over a teeter, I miss that so much more than I could ever describe. Life isn’t fair, and to be quite frank, it really, really sucks. Rockit will never be an agility dog, not because he has no potential, but because he lacks the passion for training that Chloe has, does he work for me? Yes, he LOVES going on outings with me and he is such an amazing service dog, and I shouldn’t even ask for any more than that from him, but I just need that little bit, that one thing that he truly can’t give to me. He would be more than happy to lounge around, go hiking once and a while, and then lounge around some more, and sadly I need more than that. I wish it wasn’t like that, but it is, I have two dogs that don’t have any desire to do anything but sleep, I really don’t want a third dog that’s like that. So we’ll continue to look for something more than service work to grow our bond, but I really need that one thing in my life that brought so much joy to even think about, the thing that made me so happy no matter how out of breath I was.

I plan on a puppy, but it may be years before that happens because my parents don’t want another breed of dog in the house, and there’s no way I can afford to live on my own with 5 dogs. I’ve considered a roommate but most of my friends have at least two dogs and renting a house with 7 dogs is like pigs with wings. It just isn’t going to happen. So what do I do at this point? I’m genuinely lost, because I feel empty without this thing in my life, the one hobby I’ve ever had that I truly enjoyed, the one thing that gave me a meaning, that made me happy. I feel like I’ve been robbed and it’s such an incredibly selfish feeling, it disgusts me, but I can’t get rid of it, I just want to run agility. I guess I’ll figure something out. Till then I will just continue to try and manage, to my dogs, once more, I’m sorry.

Life’s a Journey, Enjoy the ride.

Well, I mean isn’t it? We’re always aiming for something, it’s constant trial and error, the journey is a bit rough, but we keep going. From the beginning my dad taught me that I can handle myself, I mean, granted I’m not on my own, I currently have people I can count on if I needed them. But, if it came down to it, I know I can handle everything on my own, no matter how hard it is I know I’m strong enough. How many of you have ever physically been lost? How many of you panicked? Today while my grandmother was driving home she wasn’t 100% sure of where she was going, and she instantly started freaking out, and I understand that for some people it’s normal. All I can say is thank god I am not one of those people!!

My dad ALWAYS told me (and continues to remind me) that it is physically impossible to get lost in the United States. For the past week or so I’ve been back in my hometown (over 1,000 miles from where I currently live), granted I grew up here, but I’ve never drove here, and it’s been years since I’ve visited. With this being said, I have no clue how to get around, especially since there is A TON of roadwork going on right now, I’ve also never had to drive around such a big city. I’ve managed to get myself “lost” a couple of times, but no biggie, I’ll eventually figure out where I’m going.

I try to look at the positive side when I find myself completely out of my comfort zone, my dad’s voice clicks on in the back of my head “relax, you can always find your way back” and I know it’s not a big deal. So what if I get a little off track, or I’m a little late to wherever I’m going, I’m really not worried about things. I actually don’t mind getting off track because I like discovering new things by accident. This goes especially for when I’m hiking, I have absolutely no problem going off the trail, because even if I was to get lost for a couple days I like to think I have enough survival skills that I’d be ok, would I be absolutely exhausted? Yes. Hungry? I’m sure. A nervous wreck? Maybe, but I doubt it.

Anyway, today is my dad’s birthday and I want to say thank you to him. Thank you for being a great dad, teaching me that I can be whoever I want to be if I get off my lazy ass and do something about it.  Thank you for just being there for me when I needed someone, we may not always get along the greatest but you’ll always be my dad and I love you. So when you’re reading this as I’m out doing whatever life has planned for me know I’ll always come back home, that I’ll always count on my dad. I’m always going to need you, even if it’s just to put in my air conditioner because it’s too heavy for me to lift it, I’ll find something so you don’t feel left out.

Because of my dad I know my life will be full of enjoyable things, I won’t ever have to worry about my life being dull. I know I’ll always be able to take care of myself even if I have to work three jobs and never sleep, I can handle it. I know I can’t ever let myself waste life, it would be an absolute tragedy for someone to waste my life like that and I know it, because I have a purpose and I’m meant to find it. If I have to drive thousands of miles to get to it, then so be it, challenges are life’s way of telling you that you’re strong, just keep going.

Stay Strong

This post will be a bit different from the others I’ve done, but not completely.  I just feel this is something I’d like to talk, or rather write, about. This year my biggest resolution was to be happier, not only in general, but with myself. I have this really bad habit of letting everything get me down, it’s just how I am. I’ve been like this for a few years now, I wish I knew why, but I’m not good at being optimistic. It’s not that I can’t be, it just takes a lot of thinking and effort and usually I’m really down and just don’t want to put in that effort.

That’s my problem, I never knew how to really stay strong, granted I’m not the kind of person to break down into tears in front of people, most of my friends have never seen me cry. I have this skill where I can keep calm on the exterior through almost anything, because it’s what I have to do. What people don’t see is the anxiety, the fear, the panic that is constantly going on in my mind. It keeps me from ever truly being happy, no matter how much I smile it feels forced, it seems weak.  I feel trapped.

How is that fair? To be trapped in one’s own mind? It’s not fair, but neither is anything else right? It drives me absolutely mad, like I’m just ready to lash out at something. I want to escape, I want to run and never stop. I want to get away from people, I want to go to the woods and just never have to see anyone again because I’m tired of the anxiety people bring to me. I make myself panic enough, people only make it worse. I avoid people, in fact I may go as far to say I loathe them. Those people I call my friends, no matter how much I feel like I like them, my mind doesn’t, my mind tells me they’ll betray me, they’ll turn their back on me. They wouldn’t be the first.

This constant panic, this feeling of being trapped, it makes me weak. I never stand up to it, I’m afraid of standing up to myself. Although other people make me panic inside I never am afraid to stand up to someone else, I block my mind out and do what I have to do, but when I have to face myself I cower.  How do you face someone who makes you so weak? It’s not even real, it’s all in my head and I know it, but I still allow it to continue. I tell people I’m happy because that’s what they want to hear. I brush on a smile, bite my tongue and play along. It’s almost like a game sometimes, the whole time I just wait for the one person who will see right through my act, they haven’t shown up yet. Till then, I’ll continue my little game.

Sometimes I feel like I genuinely am happy, then it fades again. Happiness and me don’t seem to be friends. I avoid it and it seems to do the same. I like how this works, not because it’s how I’d have chosen for things to be, but because it’s what I’m used to. This makes me weak. I’m too much of a coward to face all of this, I know each and every little detail to be true, all of it is quite silly. Why do I continue to talk down to myself, allow myself to panic, to be unhappy. I guess it’s because it’s what works, when people say to me “You’re so strong.” I just smile and thank them because, really, it’s all I can do. I’m not strong though, I hide behind someone I’m not because it’s easier that way.

Fake it till you make it right? Maybe if I pretend to be strong long enough I’ll become strong. I don’t know how to feel honestly. I want to feel happiness, I want to be in control, I want to follow my dreams. I want to be happy with who I am that way I can be happy with other things, but to achieve that goal I’ll need to stop being a coward. I know I’m going to run though, and that scares me even more than just standing idly by watching myself fall to pieces. I need to continue to pretend to be strong though, it’s the only thing holding me together. Without this I am nothing.

Appreciation

Appreciation, such a simple thing isn’t it? Then why is it so hard to come by? This new year is truly a new beginning, it’s time for us to take that chance for real. Want to lose some weight? Great. Want to make more money? Wonderful. Want to go to college? Amazing. But it all comes down to one thing, appreciation. We need to appreciate ourselves, that’s what all those little goals add up to, they help us appreciate ourselves that much more. I have a million and one goals that I’d love to obtain this year, but my biggest one is to appreciate myself just a bit more.

I’m just like everyone else, sometimes I’m really disappointed in myself because I know I may not have done my best, but we have to learn somehow, we need to take each day as it is. Yes, we need to live like it’s our last day, because it’ll teach up to have a bit of appreciation for life. Life is a continuous journey, and appreciation is one of the stepping stones, so let’s not skip over it.  I promise that when you give yourself just a little more credit, stop being so hard on yourself and have a bit of appreciation for yourself, you’re going to be much happier. I went ahead and started the New Year with having fun, because ya know what? I deserved it.

I have so many goals that I want to achieve this year, I want to start up my own business and get it going, I want to get my puppy and start training, I want to be happier with myself, I want to try a little harder to make relationships work, I want to be a better friend, but most of all I want to learn to appreciate myself. We constantly expect for people to respect and appreciate us, but our problem is, even when we don’t realize it, is that we don’t do those things for ourselves so why would someone else do them if we don’t? We’ve been told this our whole lives, it’s kind of one of those you get what you give situations, granted no matter how much you appreciate yourself there’s going to be those jerks who can’t stand you. That’s life though.

What I’m going for here is that I think this year we need to focus on ourselves, if that means losing some weight, getting healthier, making more money, going to college, or anything than by all means go for it, but give yourself a little credit. Most people who know me know that I’m perfectly fine with taking the back seat, with not being noticed, because I don’t like being the center of attention, even my own attention. I’m bad about not giving myself credit for the things I’m good at, but it’s time that changes. This is the year of change. So with this I leave you until next time my dearies, much love and a tremendous amount of luck in whatever you have planned to do for yourself this year, I hope that it takes you far.

Love

What exactly comes to mind when you hear that word? Love. What is it? The dictionary describes love as “an intense feeling of deep affection”. Not sure exactly how I feel about this definition but ya know, it is what it is. Love is many things, but one thing it is definitely not is a definition. Love CAN NOT be described in a few, simple words. It’s absolutely impossible. It can be so many absolutely different things, so I think I’m gonna sit down and really think about things, really put it down so I can look at it again and again so I can really grasp it.

Let me start with friendship, that is love isn’t it? I mean you love your friends, they’re your security blanket, people you can trust. I know I love my friends, where and who would I be without them? I honestly have no idea if I would even still be around. I guess that could be described as affection, but I don’t know that I would say it’s an intense feeling of deep affection. I care about my friends, I really do, and they know I would do just about anything for them. That’s love for friends isn’t it? Therefore that’s love.

My dogs, I absolutely love them, like to the end of the galaxy and back, and then even further. These dogs are my babies, they’re my everything. We rely on each other for everything, they push me to be a better person day in and day out. They are my reason for pushing on, for tackling all the challenges that are thrown my way, my reason for not giving up. Anyone who knows me in the least bit knows how absolutely much I love my dogs, that I would be nothing without them. It’s tough to ever think of change in my world with them, I like things to stay steady, to stay the same, but that’s not possible, and when things change I know that because I love them and they love me that it’ll all be just fine.

Unconditional love. Isn’t that what we look for in relationships, right? I know what it’s like to be in love with someone. It’s scary, and crazy and terrifying, yet so absolutely wonderful at the same exact time. But is it truly unconditional? I mean it’s selfish, but that’s just it, it’s worth it. All of it is absolutely worth it, the fear of heartbreak, the fear of losing something you care so incredibly much about, it’s all worth it. It’s passion, it’s happiness, it’s just so much more than I can put into words. I’m not telling any of you that you shouldn’t go out there and look for love, or you should question it if you’ve found it, but when you need to make sure you’re not being blind about it, because when you are it sucks.

To be in love with someone is one of the most amazing thing ever, and everyone deserves it. Even the people who seem absolutely cold, or those people we just absolutely can not stand, they deserve love. But most of us are going to go through a lot of heartbreak along the road to finding it and each and every one of us is going to at one point say it isn’t worth it. I’ve said it countless times, but I know that when it all boils down to it at the end of the day I would like it just as much as anyone else would. I feel like I’m sitting here rambling on about something that just constantly gives me a headache, I hate dating and I hate having to worry about being alone, it sucks.

But that’s where the problem lies, all this love? None of it will ever exist if you don’t love yourself. How can any of us learn to love if we can’t even learn to love ourselves? All this fear, this anxiety, this hate, it’s because we haven’t come to terms with ourselves yet. I wish this wasn’t it, but it is exactly this. I know most of you are sitting there thinking “not this crap again” but yeah, it’s this again because it’s true. How many times do you look in the mirror and block your own thoughts because all you do is bully yourself. Well guess what we’ve all been there, me included. It sucks but we do it, but as soon as we learn to stop bullying ourselves we’ll learn to love. We can’t blame ourselves, we’re not just dreamers sweethearts, we’re lovers.

Normality

nor·mal (adjective) ;  conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

What is normalI mean truly, what is normal? I guess normal is just that, normal. How can I possibly describe that right? I guess my point with this is there is no such thing as normal. Things are constantly changing, so nothing can ever be normal, because nothing is the same, nothing is usual, no matter how much we think it is, it isn’t. I mean yeah,  I mean sometimes I feel like things are normal, but if I even think about it for a moment I know they’re not. I used to be pretty sure I had a decently normal life, at least it was normal for me, nothing seemed overly challenging, I could relax a bit I guess. Normal is easy, at least it’s easier than accepting that something is different.

When we’re in school, especially high school, there’s a chain, either you’re popular or you’re not right? You’re either one of the cool kids, and life is easy, you don’t have to worry about people picking on you or not being noticed, and that’s ok, because to you that’s normal. But you might also be one of those kids that’s picked on all the time or doesn’t get noticed and trying to avoid being noticed is your normal. Sadly this normal becomes comforting, we get so used to something that we trick ourselves into believing that it’s comfortable, like breaking in a new pair of shoes, the first few days when those new heels or boots are rubbing your feet raw it’s like a living hell, but then it doesn’t bother you anymore, it’s normal, it’s no big deal.

To me normal was coming home to a bouncy, spinning dachshund so full of energy she absolutely could not contain herself for even one more moment because if she had to she might die right then and there. My normal was being able to go running and hiking with my best friend at my heels. My normal was running with my partner through an agility course, relying completely on each other for everything. My normal was ignorance. I was so engulfed in this bliss, this easy life, this normality that I forgot to truly enjoy it. That’s what happens, although you’re happy you don’t stop to truly be happy. Things just are. There is nothing significant because it’s all normal.

That’s why normal is comforting, because you don’t think about it. To you it seems normal so it’s never a big deal, you’re comfortable with that too, that fact that things just are. What you don’t realize is things are slipping right out from under you, that normal that you’re so comforted by isn’t sticking around so get used to it. I’ve come to realize that normal is constant change, that’s the only thing that can be expected, change. Change isn’t easy to accept, I know that as much as anyone else, change, to be quite frank, sucks. It’s scary, especially when we aren’t absolutely sure of the outcome. It can make you a completely different person, scratch that, it will make you a different person, because you too are changing.

I read a blog recently that read as follows ;

“Your life will change, she says.

I didn’t ask it to, I say.

No one ever doesYour life will change. Indeed, it is changing already.”

This is what sparked this post, change and normality. No matter if you want it or not, it is. No one ever asks for change, nobody wants their life to truly change, even in the worst of times, change is terrifying. But that’s ok, sometimes the scary things are the ones that truly make you become the amazing person you need and want to be so badly. Chloe needing a wheelchair still terrifies me, because it’s change, it’s not normal, and I don’t like change. Even if I did like change I wouldn’t like this change, but it doesn’t matter, it already is. I just need to accept that and go with it, I need to adapt to this new normal, and when it changes again I need to once more adapt.

It’s truly continuous, this adaptation that is. Normal is change, and change is normal. So why do we fear what we love so much, what is so absolutely comforting? I don’t know. But what I do know is that it’s ok, change is ok, even if it hurts or it’s scary, it ok, because that’s just how things are.